Pain As A Pain Reliever

 

Pain 

As A

Pain 

Reliever

by Tanisha Eileen Hamelin

 

Pain as a Pain Reliever by Tanisha Eileen Hamelin

Pain as a Pain Reliever is a poem about exactly as the title says, using pain for pain relief. It may seem like an oxymoron but for someone who struggles with self injury, they know far to well that it isn't. What happens with self injury is that it becomes an addiction, because like anything, its a form of relief. Relief from a pain that is hard to describe but still not any less real. I struggled a lot in my lifetime with self injury, its stamp is all over my life. I wrote the beginning of this poem admist the struggle, and the end I wrote after, I guess you could say. Instead of being about something uncontrollable its become something to beat, and I did. 

 

Pain as a Pain Reliever by Tanisha Eileen Hamelin

 

Its hard when you know your going insane

conflicts to resolve, yet its all in vain

 

Apart of me knows there is no point to the pain

But the feeling turns around on me, i’m the cause little remains

 

It boils up inside me, every attack, no holding back

trying to hurt me I give up, I can’t compensate for what I lack

 

My own mind becomes your words and i’m drawn to the hate

Your anger becomes my anger multiplied by ten, in a rage, irate

 

Hurt becomes my goal but in a much more visible way

It doesn’t surprise me crazy is what everyones got to say

 

The pain is a reminder of what I'm feeling, how I should feel

A habit that plays like a never-ending reel

 

I don’t get it, you don’t, so what can I do

I could take a pill and cure myself but I know, you know, its not that simple, simply not true

 

In the future I may look back, say I only really needed that

But right now and for too long i’ve unintentionally evaded that track

 

The pain is comfort, mixed up, the only realness I like to feel

Cuz what will help me I don’t know but the pain serves a purpose, that’s how I can deal

 

I don’t want you to hurt me and I don’t want to hurt myself

Sensitive, out of balance, imperfect and fragile

All words that can represent me and the state of my health

 

In a flash I can switch, strong, free willed, smart and even happy

To self loathing, angry, a feeling much stronger than just crappy

 

I don’t know how to cure myself but I want to not for your sake

If there is one thing my self harm has taught me is to not care about myself first is the biggest mistake

 

So i’ll keep trying and searching, happiness and peace, my goal

There’s nothing better than the expression of me, completely whole

 

I’ve striped myself bare, beyond even naked

for better or worse, i’ll get there, a lifelong commitment of the most sacred

 

to me, myself, and I, I promise, to find the point of it all

to discover, i’m still here, in spite of all the walls

 

There has to be more to my existence, the pain I feel can’t be it

I’ll fill that hole, it won’t kill me, and I won’t quit

 

By Tanisha Eileen Hamelin, Started 2010 finished 2017



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