So last night was a bit of a turning point for me as I contemplated relationships and the fact that, I want to fall in love again. Looking back on my past significant other experience’s it just hit me that I’ve actually never been in the place I’m in now. I’ve never been the Tanisha that wants to fall in love and who imagines the kind of love I think about now, ever. Even though I’ve been a bit heartbroken over the ending of my last relationship, it also occurred to me it is largely because of it I’m now able to be the person I am now.
While it ended in December 2018 and even though it is now March 2020 it’s still been a challenge to come to terms with it. Now, however, I’m starting to see why that is, and why it’s not necessarily a bad thing. There have been a lot of moments lately where I was regretting the past. Trying to reconcile how it could have been a good thing to fall so in love because now I don’t have that love and it hurts a lot. However last night I realized that it’s actually a good thing and that my renewed desire to fall in love again means I’m going to meet someone pretty awesome and I’m excited about that.
A part of my epiphany was acknowledging only in my last relationship did I become a woman who desires commitment, a deeper love, and the family life with someone. I have been really ignoring the fact that before and even in the beginning with him, I was not a committed individual. I ran from a lot of relationships prior which had great potential due to not wanting commitment. I forget that about myself. I was scared of being trapped. I wasn’t forming deep connections with anyone and when it was heading that way, it scared the crap out of me. A lot of good men got left in the dust because of me, not them.
Also, I’ve always wanted children but it is only in the last 3 years I felt ready for it. The last relationship I had was the most significant because he was the first man I actually desired, imagined, and genuinely wanted to have a family with. Even with him it was difficult to imagine how that would work due to differences in our life. I really loved him and so many things about him but there were many blocks. While I had my own commitment issues that I worked through, he also had his issues. I’m surprised I reached the place I have when he was so resistant to commitment. Although maybe his resistance is why I realized what I was not getting from him is what I really want. One example would be that even though we were together 2 years I have never met a single person in his life despite him having met most of the important people in mine. I was a bit terrified of meeting his family but I pushed for it because you can’t have commitment without that step. You need to accept the people they love and connect with them to. He didn’t facilitate that connection willingly, along with not ever being able to promise a future together. In the end it caused a lot of doubt and trust issues for me. I didn’t feel reassured of his love despite wanting it so much.
I recently was reading “The Nature of the Psyche, It’s Human Expression” by Jane Roberts. It delves quite a bit into human sexuality and love. It really drew the connection for me that sex is an expression of love and so is commitment and loyalty. Most of my relationships have been based on a sexual connect. I was not forming deeper connections that allowed and elicited a desire for commitment and loyalty. Now, however, I want it more than ever, and it is likely the lack of it in hand with the deep love I felt for my last partner that has allowed that desire to be more important to me. Now I have a much fuller picture of what love truly looks like and what I want.
Being that I’m only 3 months from giving birth relationships have come up again and again since getting pregnant but more so lately. Largely because I’m like, should I keep trying to date? But also because I’m afraid of modelling bad partnerships for my daughter. Finding out I’m having a girl has increased that fear. I want her to have better relationships than I’ve had. It is very important to me now that any man I have in my life be someone who is a good example of not just a great person but also a great partner. I can’t help but feel that even she has contribute to a clearer picture of what I want which was also a part of my epiphany last night.
So last night in my thoughtfulness I realized how amazing it will be when I do find the person who is worth being partnered with. It will be so amazing because how I define worthy is more refined than it has ever been. I am going to have a really deep appreciation and even deeper love for someone who is in our life and represents those things I’m now looking for. I’m well beyond allowing anyone in who is not stable, reliable, caring, loyal, intelligent, thoughtful, loving. These aspects are a necessity. So it will feel so awesome when that person does arrive. I’m going to feel so blessed to have someone like that around. There are pieces of each man I’ve been with, or the lack of those pieces in the men of my past, that I am looking forward to finding in someone new. I now appreciate that if it weren’t for those relationships I wouldn’t have been able to identify so easily what it is that is truly going to be so satisfying now.
Since, at the end of the day, I do want to fall in love again. I want to feel connected to someone. I don’t think because I’m a single mother by choice now that I’ve got to be single for forever. I certainly don’t have any doubts about finding a fulfilling relationship, I do believe in my creative power to summon what I want. Especially now that what I want is so much more defined. Since before I wasn’t identifying with so many elements being important, now that I am, that’s what is next for me. It was not until I started to really want to find someone I had a deeper than sexual connection with did my last, most significant, relationship happen. Now that what is more fulfilling is even clearer, I am really looking forward to meeting someone new.
I’ve also had doubts lately about how someone who is not my child’s biological father can fit into our life. Although last night I also realized how fulfilling it will be to experience being loved and cared for by someone who isn’t. I think I’ll have a greater appreciation for that man because it’s not his child and so his love, loyalty, and caring will truly be a choice he is making. It is exciting. It’s also exciting to know I’m gonna be able to offer someone much more love and caring than I ever have before. Going through the heartbreak of the last year made me worry loving someone means being open to a hurt I’d rather not feel. I was having a lot of difficulty reconciling that thought, except I’m less afraid of that now. I think last night I finally reached that point where it is reconciled, and I feel much more excited about the future. It makes more sense now why the experience was beneficial, even if it was at times, extremely painful. I’m thankful for the newfound clarity and I’m really looking forward to this new person, to this new man, to this new love.
Contemplating my past relationships has made me realize I want to fall in love again because it is going to be amazing. | Tanisha Eileen
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